Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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