Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
