I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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