my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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