last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
