is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He passed out mid-signature
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
