All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
