he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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