just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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