So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
