life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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