life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
