M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
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the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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