what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
A bitchslap is in order.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
