So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
