**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
