Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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