Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
