Jerry, you need to find god
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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