PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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