i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
