My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
