you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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