he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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