My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
