Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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