Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
