God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
