i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
