Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize