when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
