I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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