the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
