i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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