Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
