I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
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The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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