I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
