I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
