Betty ford says i'm here all night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize