before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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