Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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