I need to stop coming to work sober
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
