If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
