One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
