whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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