farters have to be the big spoon...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
