k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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