woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
