OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
