I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Enjoy the penises
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
