You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
high people should be assigned attendants
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
