My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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