Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
