broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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