i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
