Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
