I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
