All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
