I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
