She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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