Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
