All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
